Hard to Believe: Truthy Story of Impeachment & What Democrats Did
Here's what really, maybe, might have happened with the Senate, Pelosi, Schumer and Trump.
First seen on Dan's Papers - January 31, 2020
Cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas
Many people didn’t pay too much attention to the impeachment proceedings where they talked about how Donald Trump supposedly withheld funds from Ukraine unless that country’s president investigated Joe Biden’s son. Others found it all too confusing.
For these people, I made it my business to listen to every one of the 180 hours of talk that went back and forth about it. Maybe it was 190 hours. So here is the truth about what happened.
Donald Trump never made that phone call to the Ukranian president. It was actually made by a man impersonating Donald Trump, and who this was—this came out at the end—was Chuck Schumer, using helium to make his voice higher.
The whistleblower also had his cover blown. It was British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who was listening and taping the call legally because he got permission to do that, but who posted it all on YouTube and played the YouTube at high volume over loudspeakers in front of Windsor Castle.
Meanwhile, the supposed hiding of the tape of the phone call in that deep throat computer in America was engineered not by Trump’s staff, but by Mike Pompeo, who, since it turned out this was completely unnecessary, toward the end of the trial blew the whistle on himself and has now been dispatched to Guantanamo.
The $300 million supposedly withheld was indeed withheld, but not because Trump wanted it withheld for his personal gain. When the money was printed up, it was printed with marked bills by order of the FBI, and since they were singles, it took three months to reprint new bills and burn the old ones.
Nancy Pelosi was the mastermind who thought up the original plan to embarrass the President by volunteering Schumer. She also arranged for the helium. She just didn’t count on Rudy Giuliani discovering the plot by tapping her phone but then not telling the President about it because he wanted to let this embarrassing charade play out so President Trump could continually tweet it was all fake news.
Jimmy Carter may have had a role in this, although that is not completely clear. Vice President Pence is currently trying to track that down. Some things you just never can get to the bottom of.
It was Bernie Sanders who covered up the charges against young Hunter Biden in a desperate attempt to save the Democratic Party. He took on the job of erasing some of the conversation tapes that revealed Hunter’s nefarious dealings, but not all. He also mailed the “fixed” tapes to Supreme Court Justice John Roberts, who decided to dump them in the Potomac, ruining them forever.
And it was Alan Dershowitz, the Emeritus Harvard Law Professor, who successfully showed that unless Trump had expressly said “this was a quid quo pro and I am personally committing a crime” on the tape, which he did not, and also because it was simply not him but Chuck Schumer who flubbed doing it, well, then the facts are clear that no crime was committed and, on the other hand, it was a wise decision by the President to ask for an investigation of Joe Biden’s son because that is how things get done in a democracy.
Also, the withholding of the funds, which in the end he didn’t do, would have resulted in the collapse of the Ukranian military and the victory of Russia, thus putting an end to that conflict and resulting in there being more peace in the world and who wouldn’t have wanted that?
The worst person in this whole mess was of course Bill Clinton. It was he who held the microphone for Schumer. It was he, using his prerogatives as a former president, who ordered the FBI to produce marked bills. It was he who hasn’t played a round of golf under 90 without cheating in years, a fact up until now overlooked but that is now going to result in a second impeachment of him retroactively to when he was president all those years ago, sometime in October just one week before the voting for the 2020 election.
And that is why the Senate voted Trump not guilty.